tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84778102812750071282023-06-20T21:44:48.433-07:00100 Days of IVF & Unexpected IndignitiesmarathonLGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13780007961961141964noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8477810281275007128.post-87099672554392744382014-10-22T21:47:00.000-07:002014-10-22T21:47:53.899-07:00Girl On Fire<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"> I have a love/hate
relationship with acupuncture and eastern medicine, most likely due to my
acupuncturist lighting me on fire. Yes, that’s right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was lit on fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not kidding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have five second-degree burns to prove
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, before writing further
about what it felt like to become human sagnaki (you know, the cheese that
waiters light on fire in Greek restaurants while exclaiming “Opa!”), I would
like to provide some background. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">I
never wanted to get acupuncture in the first place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upon embarking on my fertility “journey,” a
good friend who had twins via IVF and recommended my doctor suggested that I
give it a try.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I told her that I
did not like needles and was afraid that it would hurt, she put me in my
place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Silly girl, you are going to have to get over that, and I assure you,
acupuncture is going to be the least of your problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you want to know what hurts?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll tell you what hurts, egg retrievals and
childbirth with forceps.”</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had a
point and I needed to toughen up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Following
our first failed IUI, and after I realized that perhaps our problem was more
than timing, I made an appointment with the acupuncturist conveniently located
next to my doctor’s office.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">I was
looking forward to my appointment.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Even
at this early stage in treatment, I was already beginning to feel dehumanized
and was eager to be treated like more than a piece of meat with a credit
card.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Unfortunately that is not exactly
what happened.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">My hour and a half
consultation lasted only forty minutes and the therapist seemed more interested
in selling me supplements than explaining the treatment that she was going to
perform.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">She both literally and figuratively left me in the dark, with no explanation whatsoever as to what the needles </span><span style="font-size: 21px;">imbedded </span><span style="font-size: 16pt;">in my skin were doing.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">When I got home I wrote the manager and asked
for a refund.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">This was very out of
character for me; I have never so much as written a yelp review, let alone
directly complain to a service provider.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;">
</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">But at this point I was just sick of feeling like my feelings did not
matter.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">In response, the manager sent me
a packet of calming tea.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Suffice it to
say, I never went back and determined that acupuncture was not for me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Then
a few months passed, a few more cycles failed and I began to become once again
open to the possibility of incorporating eastern medicine into my
treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also was sick of being told
that if I just tried acupuncture, I would get pregnant (see my prior blog post
re pregnancy accouncements).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even my dad
who would rather get a colonoscopy than talk about infertility sent me an
article suggesting that acupuncture was the solution to my problems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I gave it another try and made an
appointment with an acupuncturist who came highly recommended by a
colleague.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was absolutely
wonderful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She answered all of my
questions and showed me more compassion and empathy than I could have asked
for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt that she cared about my wellbeing
and was invested in my success.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, I
was set on fire….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My treatments were commonly supplemented with cupping and
massage to help me relax.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never gave
it a second thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never thought
that I could be in physical danger. I had no idea that cupping even involved
fire until my acupuncturist screamed and furiously tried to put out the flames
that were quickly traveling from my back to abdomen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Apparently the alcohol that she used to light
a cotton ball on fire to heat the cups spilled onto my back because she was
distracted).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was one of the scariest
moments of my life; my body looked like a tablecloth that had accidently been
lit on fire during a boozy dinner party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Once the flames went out, I just sat in shock, completely exposed and afraid
to look at my skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no idea
whether I would have first, second or third degree burns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t lie, once the shock wore off, I was
in a lot of pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She tried to treat the
burns, but I just wanted to go home and have my husband, who is a doctor, take
care of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had E not been around to
treat me, I definitely would have had to go to the emergency room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Even though the burns left scars, I feel incredibly
lucky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It could have been so much
worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t angry after it happened,
I was just thankful that I was okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
understand that it was an accident, but also took it as a sign that acupuncture/eastern
medicine really is not for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
kind of sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really did like my
acupuncturist and found her treatments helpful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is just no way that I could ever feel comfortable having her treat
me again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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marathonLGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13780007961961141964noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8477810281275007128.post-49079998451496644592014-10-20T21:46:00.000-07:002014-10-20T21:46:23.328-07:00The last few months...<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">June 2014<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">When I share with friends and family that my husband and I are having
trouble having a baby, they often ask us how long we have been trying to
conceive. Presumably this should be an easy question to answer, but for
some reason for me, it is not. What counts as "trying"?
Foregoing birth control like 90% of the world who gets pregnant
naturally? In my mind, I cannot possibly be really <i>trying</i> until
I have had at least 100+ injections, blood draws and ultrasounds. I'm not
being facetious; I seriously cannot conceive (pun intended) of waking up one
day, deciding to have a baby, having sex once or twice at precisely the right
time and bringing home a little bundle of joy 9 months later. Such
notions are crazy. In my mind, a little human can't possibility be
brought into this world without the assistance of nurses, reproductive
endocrinologists, embryologists, andrologists, billing clerks, acupuncturists
and marital therapists. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">For the sake of argument, I could say I have been trying for almost 3
years. For the first year and a half, I was convinced that absolutely
nothing was wrong with my very fertile 32-year-old eggs. It just must be
a scheduling issue, and well, if I could ever figure out when I was ovulating,
all of our problems would be solved. I was wrong. Obviously we were
just having a problem getting all the guests to the party at the same time,
right? I refused to acknowledge the possibility that there just might be
something medically wrong with my husband or me. I've never had a serious
medical issue in my life, other than being a little too type-A from time to
time, of course. I have planned and choreographed each and every aspect of my
life. I have planned for best case scenarios, worst case scenarios and
everything else in the between.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unfortunately throwing genetic material at a wall and seeing what sticks
just doesn’t fit within the constructs that I have put in place for
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nevertheless, I have no
choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to accept that fate is
not in fact in my control and that no matter how much I hope, wish and plan –
it just doesn’t make a difference. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">I have been through multiple IUI cycles, a fresh IVF cycle and a frozen
one, yet have nothing to show for my efforts except for some sub-par seven day
2013 embryos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband and I refer to
them as the “2013 embryos” because we are convinced that they are jinxed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see, we’ve had a bout of bad luck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 2013, we underwent multiple failed
fertility treatments, watched my husband’s mother succumb to a terrible illness
and said goodbye to our beloved 17 year-old tabby cat, Lizzie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few days after Lizzie died, overwhelmed
with grief, I visited an animal shelter against my husband’s wishes and adopted
a kitten who I was convinced picked me to be her mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A mere eight weeks (and $4,000) later we had
to say goodbye to her as well because she was suffering from a rare fatal
virus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therefore, anything and anyone
created in 2013 must be cursed and cannot be counted on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">So here I am in 2014.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting
ready for another 100 days of IVF.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
doctor says that I should assume that my fresh cycle is going to get canceled
and that my best chance at holding a chubby-cheeked bundle of joy is a frozen
cycle a month or so thereafter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>IVF is
bad enough as it is – adding a second cycle – just adds insult to injury, at
least if you ask me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">We have taken the requisite break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In fact, we literally traveled to the end of the earth. 15 Bhutanese
monks prayed for us, the head lama blessed us and we forked over a fortune in
offerings, not to mention Bhutanese junk food and liquor, as instructed by our
tour guide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust me, we relaxed, just
like everyone who is not fertility-challenged told us to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, we are the reason we are not
getting pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has nothing to do
with our biology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I was a little less
type A, didn’t work quite so hard, and finally drank the magic herbal tea that
a cousin’s aunt’s friend recommended, then, of course we would have a baby by
now, or at least so I am told.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Nevertheless, we are ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
stars are (at least conceptually) aligned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yet, the thought of being hopeful this time around seems ill
advised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last time we transferred two
good quality embryos, but they didn’t make it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They disappeared as if they never existed at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They defied the odds and failed to implant
in the very fertile multi-striped lining that I had so carefully nurtured for
their benefit. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was hopeful, made
plans and none of it really mattered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">My husband thinks it is some sort of cosmic justice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He says that we can’t have a baby because we
have been successful in other areas of our lives, both having had the
opportunity to pursue challenging educations and rewarding careers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>E followed in his parents’ footsteps and
became a physician; I am a laywer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Growing up I never felt smart and was terrified that no one would ever
hire me, let alone marry me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember
feeling this way beginning around third grade, which is pretty depressing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, I was determined to pull myself up by
the bootstraps and do whatever I could to ensure that I enjoyed at least a
little happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This led me from high
school to college, where I was determined to do well, if not by virtue of
talent, then by sheer force of will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
sights were set on staying in Ann Arbor for law school; I applied to Harvard on
a whim, not even bothering to ensure that my application was typed properly,
most likely for fear of wanting something that I knew I couldn’t have. Everything
changed when I started law school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was the single most life-changing event of my life and a part of me believes
that it may be why we can’t have a baby; life only hands out so many miracles
and that was mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either that or the
world is just not ready for the super awesome evil genius that E and I would
create together, a theory that I have shared with E’s urologist who asked me whether
I was asking theoretically or medically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I, of course, replied both and was not entirely kidding.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">So, here we are, getting ready to go again, and all I can think about is
what if we don’t even get one good quality embryo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if we get a sign that we are destined to
fail?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if this is the end of the
road?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think it is, but I can’t
help but think that it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m afraid to
assume even the most modest of outcomes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; padding: 0in; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">July 2014<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">When
I wrote my last entry it did not occur to me that, well, things could be
worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I committed the ultimate sin of
the fertility challenged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took even
the most basic step in the process for granted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I assumed that I would make it to the egg retrieval.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I assumed that my ovaries would respond to
the protocol that was so carefully selected just for my benefit and that I
would have at least a few fertilizable eggs to show for my effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t assume that we would get embryos; I
merely assumed that we would have harvestable eggs and should have known better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How silly was I to assume that making it
through 10-14 days of shots and daily blood draws would mean that we could move
forward in this process?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knew that I
could respond “too well” to the medications?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Although I had already been hyper-stimulated, it did not occur to me
that on a less aggressive protocol I could possibly have twice the reaction to
half the meds causing my entire cycle to be cancelled. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently 60 follicles are 40 follicles too
many and an estrogen level of 7,000 is pretty concerning as well. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Staring down at the constellation of
injection marks currently decorating my deceptively bloated stomach, I can’t
quite absorb the fact that I am no further along than I was a month ago. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">In
fact, I feel somewhat numb, like I was just in a car accident and unable to
process the events that just occurred right in front of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m enjoying the fog of denial and disbelief,
but I’m fairly certain that it won’t protect me for much longer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sooner or later I am going to have to feel
what happened and process what it means, which is that I may end up a childless
widow who gets eaten by her obese tabby cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Until then, I wait.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wait for my
defense mechanisms to tumble down like dominos and for helplessness and grief
to take over, which, like everything else, I can’t control. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">I
fear pregnancy announcements the most, so much so that I have gone out of my
way to let just about everyone who is close to me and of child bearing age know
that they should never feel compelled to let me know that they are pregnant in
person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am incredibly appreciative
that they are sensitive to my situation and would like to be respectful of how
their absolutely wonderful news may devastate me, but a phone call, email, text
or even carrier pigeon would be a preferable method for delivering the news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I unfortunately learned this the hard way…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Two
weeks after E and I found out that our frozen transfer failed we went out to
dinner with two good friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were
looking to put our disappointment behind us, pretend it never happened and
enjoy a fun filled evening out on the town.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our friends had a toddler, but were having a little difficulty having
another child, so we felt comfortable sharing our most recent disappointment
with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The majority of the evening
was wonderful; we shared a great meal and E and I excitedly talked about our
upcoming trip to India, Nepal and Bhutan, completely ignorant to the emotional
time bomb heading our way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Halfway
through dinner they shared the news that they were expecting their second baby
in September, exactly when we would have been expecting our baby had the frozen
transfer worked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My girlfriend was only
8 weeks along, but our friends felt compelled to tell us in person right away
because they were moving away to another state in a few weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mind you, this is the same girlfriend who
said “oh well, you’ll just do IVF” when I first shared that I was having
trouble having a baby years ago, as if IVF were the equivalent of having a
cavity filled at the dentist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, it
was a simple procedure, until she was the one going through it, of course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not at all to my surprise, when she went
through all of one IUI herself, she acted as if she was being treated for a
terminal illness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Nevertheless,
in that moment, hearing that they were having the baby that I felt should have
been ours, I could have just died, right there at the table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I congratulated them. I smiled. I suppressed
the heat filling my chest rising to my cheeks and burning my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I held it together, but then my girlfriend, with
a small but detectable amount of glee, told me that if I just gave acupuncture
another try, I could be pregnant just like her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>E, bless his heart, squeezed my hand under the table, but it was too
late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I politely excused myself from the
table and locked myself in a bathroom stall where I sobbed like a teenage girl
who had just been dumped by her boyfriend right before the senior prom. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Although
it may not sound like it, I am a fairly reasonable rational person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get that my reaction to this situation was
not appropriate and that pregnancy is not a zero sum game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone else’s pregnancy has no bearing on my
own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nevertheless there is something
about hearing that someone else’s wish was fulfilled, even after a prolonged
struggle, that stings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it is
because I feel left behind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just
hurts, more than anything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: solid windowtext .75pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; padding: 0in; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">August 2014<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">So
apparently my ovaries overachieve in more than one respect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are equal opportunity offenders, increasing
and decreasing in size at equally remarkably rates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, here we ago again…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">To
be honest, I have mixed feelings about getting back on the merry-go-fertility-round,
particularly so quickly after such an unexpected disappointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Understandably, I had a lot of questions for
my doctor after my last failed cycle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wanted to understand whether it would be even possible for me to make it
through a stim cycle, whether he would finally admit I have PCOS, whether
having PCOS meant that I could not produce quality eggs, whether he had any
explanation for why I reacted so strongly to the meds, and, most importantly,
whether he was paying close attention to my case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Early on, while going through IUIs and my first fresh/frozen
IVF cycle, I felt like an anonymous number.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I legitimately questioned from time to time whether my doctor had ever
reviewed my chart or could pick me out of a line-up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Given that the majority of my interaction was
with the nursing staff, I began to think that perhaps he was an urban
legend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His nurses spoke of him as if he
existed, but I surely did not see or talk to him myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am still unsure of whether he was in the
room for my embryo transfer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband assures
me that he was there and that I was too hopped up on Valium to notice, but I’m
still not entirely convinced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Part
of the problem was that whenever I met with him, I felt like he was just
reciting a rote memorized speech that he gives all of his patients rather than
engaging in a meaningful conversation about the specifics of my case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also probably did not help that he would
not allow me to go through my questions at my own pace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead he would have me hand over my list so
that he could run through my questions quickly, or at least those that he felt
inclined to answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not allowing me the
courtesy of at least somewhat controlling my own appointment just exacerbated
my frustration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also did not feel much
better when a fellow patient told me “not to worry, once you have your first
miscarriage, he will pay attention to you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Good grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nevertheless, I
continued on with my doctor because he was supposed to be the “best,” and I’m
supposed to be tough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t need him
to hold my hand, I just need him to get me pregnant (or at least so I tell
myself).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">Interestingly
and somewhat ironically, I now have his attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever since my estrogen hit 7,000 and my
second cycle was canceled, he was been supportive, and more importantly,
accessible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has kept his word that I
can email his nurses anytime I want to talk to him directly instead of to them
and he would call me back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem
is that now that he is engaged in my case, I’m not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16.0pt;">I’m
over this whole process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been fun
and all, but I’m ready to pack up my crayons and go home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>E and I are not “we must have a baby at all
costs” people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can see a broader more
nuanced picture of what life can and should be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nevertheless, it is hard to find the middle ground. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that if we really want a family, that
we can have one, it will just be different from what we originally set out to
create.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, I feel like if I were truly
committed to being a parent then I would want a baby at all costs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would be willing to go through IVF five
times, I would be willing to get second, third and fourth opinions, I would
consider donor eggs, donor embryos and adoption.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truth, though, is that I find all of
those options exhausting; the thought of being a human science experiment
indefinitely or going through a lengthy and uncertain adoption process is just
too much to bear. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A friend suggested to
me a few weeks ago that I should change fertility clinics because maybe just
maybe a different environment or embryology lab might be what I need to make
things work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her that her
suggestion sounded a lot like blowing on a broken VHS tape before putting it
back in the VCR, hoping that it will have some magical effect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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marathonLGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13780007961961141964noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8477810281275007128.post-69027344901188109522014-05-24T20:19:00.002-07:002014-10-20T21:47:26.582-07:00A Little History...<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">June 2014<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">When I share with friends and family that my husband and I are having
trouble having a baby, they often ask us how long we have been trying to
conceive. Presumably this should be an easy question to answer, but for
some reason for me, it is not. What counts as "trying"?
Foregoing birth control like 90% of the world who gets pregnant
naturally? In my mind, I cannot possibly be really <i>trying</i> until
I have had at least 100+ injections, blood draws and ultrasounds. I'm not
being facetious; I seriously cannot conceive (pun intended) of waking up one
day, deciding to have a baby, having sex once or twice at precisely the right
time and bringing home a little bundle of joy 9 months later. Such
notions are crazy. In my mind, a little human can't possibility be
brought into this world without the assistance of nurses, reproductive
endocrinologists, embryologists, andrologists, billing clerks, acupuncturists
and marital therapists. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">For the sake of argument, I could say I have been trying for almost 3
years. For the first year and a half, I was convinced that absolutely
nothing was wrong with my very fertile 32-year-old eggs. It just must be
a scheduling issue, and well, if I could ever figure out when I was ovulating,
all of our problems would be solved. I was wrong. Obviously we were
just having a problem getting all the guests to the party at the same time,
right? I refused to acknowledge the possibility that there just might be
something medically wrong with my husband or me. I've never had a serious
medical issue in my life, other than being a little too type-A from time to
time, of course. I have planned and choreographed each and every aspect of my
life. I have planned for best case scenarios, worst case scenarios and
everything else in the between.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unfortunately throwing genetic material at a wall and seeing what sticks
just doesn’t fit within the constructs that I have put in place for
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nevertheless, I have no
choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to accept that fate is
not in fact in my control and that no matter how much I hope, wish and plan –
it just doesn’t make a difference. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">I have been through multiple IUI cycles, a fresh IVF cycle and a frozen
one, yet have nothing to show for my efforts except for some sub-par seven day
2013 embryos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband and I refer to
them as the “2013 embryos” because we are convinced that they are jinxed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see, we’ve had a bout of bad luck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 2013, we underwent multiple failed
fertility treatments, watched my husband’s mother succumb to a terrible illness
and said goodbye to our beloved 17 year-old tabby cat, Lizzie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few days after Lizzie died, overwhelmed
with grief, I visited an animal shelter against my husband’s wishes and adopted
a kitten who I was convinced picked me to be her mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A mere eight weeks (and $4,000) later we had
to say goodbye to her as well because she was suffering from a rare fatal
virus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therefore, anything and anyone
created in 2013 must be cursed and cannot be counted on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">So here I am in 2014.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Getting
ready for another 100 days of IVF.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
doctor says that I should assume that my fresh cycle is going to get canceled
and that my best chance at holding a chubby-cheeked bundle of joy is a frozen
cycle a month or so thereafter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>IVF is
bad enough as it is – adding a second cycle – just adds insult to injury, at
least if you ask me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">We have taken the requisite break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In fact, we literally traveled to the end of the earth. 15 Bhutanese
monks prayed for us, the head lama blessed us and we forked over a fortune in
offerings, not to mention Bhutanese junk food and liquor, as instructed by our
tour guide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust me, we relaxed, just
like everyone who is not fertility-challenged told us to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, we are the reason we are not
getting pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has nothing to do
with our biology.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I was a little less
type A, didn’t work quite so hard, and finally drank the magic herbal tea that
a cousin’s aunt’s friend recommended, then, of course we would have a baby by
now, or at least so I am told.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Nevertheless, we are ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
stars are (at least conceptually) aligned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yet, the thought of being hopeful this time around seems ill
advised.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last time we transferred two
good quality embryos, but they didn’t make it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They disappeared as if they never existed at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They defied the odds and failed to implant
in the very fertile multi-striped lining that I had so carefully nurtured for
their benefit. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was hopeful, made
plans and none of it really mattered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">My husband thinks it is some sort of cosmic justice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He says that we can’t have a baby because we
have been successful in other areas of our lives, both having had the
opportunity to pursue challenging educations and rewarding careers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>E followed in his parents’ footsteps and
became a physician; I am a laywer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">Growing up I never felt smart and was terrified that no one would ever
hire me, let alone marry me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember
feeling this way beginning around third grade, which is pretty depressing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, I was determined to pull myself up by
the bootstraps and do whatever I could to ensure that I enjoyed at least a
little happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This led me from high
school to college, where I was determined to do well, if not by virtue of
talent, then by sheer force of will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
sights were set on staying in Ann Arbor for law school; I applied to Harvard on
a whim, not even bothering to ensure that my application was typed properly,
most likely for fear of wanting something that I knew I couldn’t have. Everything
changed when I started law school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was the single most life-changing event of my life and a part of me believes
that it may be why we can’t have a baby; life only hands out so many miracles
and that was mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either that or the
world is just not ready for the super awesome evil genius that E and I would
create together, a theory that I have shared with E’s urologist who asked me whether
I was asking theoretically or medically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I, of course, replied both and was not entirely kidding.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">So, here we are, getting ready to go again, and all I can think about is
what if we don’t even get one good quality embryo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if we get a sign that we are destined to
fail?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if this is the end of the
road?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think it is, but I can’t
help but think that it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m afraid to
assume even the most modest of outcomes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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marathonLGhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13780007961961141964noreply@blogger.com3